recap IV

So today, after two months of trying, I finally received unemployment, or a letter rather that stated I am to receive unemployment, though its very little money, this has been probably the only good thing that has happened since my lay-off. Correction, the best thing that has happened to me was the lay-off. Since I’ve moved to California my life has changed dramatically, some for the worse and mostly for the better, all I have done is trade one set of complications for another. However, I look back on my life before I moved here and realize that I am much happier now, given my new situation. I love my girlfriend, I love our small apartment, I love our dog, I even love the future we hope to venture into one day, but I can’t help but think, is this what I really want? Is this what I really need at this point in my life? I’m not sure, but it sure beats that cell I put myself it back in Atlanta…

may 12, 2010

recap III

My mother, as I recall, decided to be a little more flakey with my raising than my dad. Being as young, and inexperienced, as she was, I can’t begin to believe that she would be able to know what was to be done, much-less pull it off. She stayed in my life as much as she could until she had to make a choose between me or her new life, as my dad put it, but I believe she was just adjusting to her new given responsibilities. Dads intolerance to anyone slower than he probably transferred into his portrayal of my mother over the years. Nonetheless he painted a pretty intense picture of his second marriage and short lived life with it. Mother remarried, rebuilt, and attempted to repair whatever it was she tore apart. I felt that I was sent off to my mothers because of legal obligation, however I’m older now, I know that it was all a negative bubble I was put under by my father, perhaps my mother, but who knows at this point.

Two stable homes, two stable families, two stable living situations, and yet it’s all so unstable. How can something be so stable, and yet be so unstable? Hell the most stable figure through all of this was possibly my step father, always pleading the fifth, he somehow seems to have just been there, not as an active father figure, a friend rather…

may 12, 2010

recap II

I’m going to put the history lesson aside for now and talk about something a little more contemporary.

I live in Los Angeles, California. I currently live with my girlfriend in a small, but not too small, studio apartment at the “Havenhurst” in Hollywood. I am unemployed, due to a lay-off, and still hopeful that one day I will find something. I have looked pretty much everywhere and I have nothing to show for my efforts, except for an interview that left me feeling slightly below smart. Today I spend my days looking for jobs, mostly on the internet because that’s how you do it these days, doing dishes 4 times a day, laundry, and by the time it comes time for me to have some, Sean time, my girlfriend comes home. So as you can imagine I can never find the time to be me. But who am I anyhow? I’ve never actually explored, who, or what, or where I am. But I believe that’s normal. I’d like to believe that I’m an over achiever but the truth is, I’m not. In fact history has it that I’m lazy, scared of commitment, and a mere follower. I refuse to believe or even live by that! Although it has been two months jobless. Are my eyes closed to who I really am?

may 11, 2010

recap

My life has started off what I would consider insane, but most would call normal. I was born February 7th 1985 to my father Ralph and my mother Leigh. My father at 38, making him 12 years older than my 26 year old mother, had already had a first family. At 38 years old I imagine he was pretty set in his ways meaning; not very moldable to a new family. Although I can’t say that he didn’t want the new family, but maybe he’d wished he didn’t have his first. But this is my observation, not quite his own. My mother on the other hand had never had a family of her own. Being a young woman at 26 with a husband and two kids, not really having lived a full life of her own, I’m sure it was a lot to take in at that time. At about age three my parents divorced and from there brought on the separation, forcing my brother and myself into an awkward living situation. Anytime you have two separate houses, with two separate set of rules, you get an awkward situation. And by awkward I mean confusing, unstable, misleading, and a, last but not least, sad situation. Is it my parents fault that I had to spend each day in a different house? Yes! But do I think that they did the best they could with the given situation? Maybe, probably not! Can I fault them, now, having it been their first time in this situation, for putting us through that? Sure. But what’s the point? They only wanted the best. So there in lies the answer to all unanswered questions asked “they only wanted the best”. If they truly did then it’s my fault for caring it with me for so long. Right?…

Growing up in two places was extremely tiring, always living in a cloths hamper, two different beds, two different ways to school, and two different attitudes to fit each set of rules. After awhile my brother and I grew tired of caring what each party thought and started caring about ourselves, which as you can imagine only brought on whole new set of issues, it was the only thing we could do to try and stay sane, calm, and respectful. Honestly I believe I caved in a lot faster than my brother. I started lashing out at my mother for no reason, hating my dad because he never would even give me a second of attention unless we were watching a movie together. I took this time to cuddle in under his arms as much as possible to forget everything, and escape with him into whatever time period was on television…

-may 11, 2010

In the mind of a smoker. The only thing you truely care about is a smoke, no furniture, no doggie bowl nor a full wall of paint. As long as you can afford smokes life is comfortable…

In the mind of a smoker. The only thing you truely care about is a smoke, no furniture, no doggie bowl nor a full wall of paint. As long as you can afford smokes life is comfortable…

Decode

How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win
You’re losing sight
All the time

Not gonna ever own what’s mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I’m screaming, “I love you so”)
On my own
(My thoughts you can’t decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well
I think I know
I think I know

There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true

That’s what I am listening too! 

Just a question

i buy a pack of smokes here then buy a coke there, still not satisfied i buy some in and out. when im done with that i feel retarded because im still not satisfied and all i did was spend $20. i guess what im really trying to get at is that most people spend all of their time and money trying to get a fix. what would life be like if you had no habits? where could you go in life without caring about small stuff like that? hmmm

What’s the deal??

On a beautiful and most certainly busy day the only thing that seemed hmmm calm, peaceful, and relaxing was a picnic. Who knew we’d find it in our very “backyard”.

Sometimes i think to myself man when can i get a house on the beach. But i never stop to think that maybe im already at “my beach”. At 25 i shouldnt be settleing down, i should be living in hollywood CA in a nice ass “QUIET” flat with my babe! Right? Ill def settle for the best flat at 25. As for the house on the beach, im coming for you!

????

I think im actually learning how to not mess up dinner. This is a very good thing i must say!

Dinner + cocktails + chill music = a good night of rest and relaxation. Haha ohhhh what wtf im i talking about???

Someone remind me please what blogging is for? Is this an online journal or just a collage of random thoughts seeking attention? Or is it a “twitter” with more characters? Maybe it requires a more indepth explaination then……

my new thang

bloggin baby! straight B LOG AN